Essential Tools for the Zombie Apocalypse

ZombiesYou’re heading out to your car one morning, intent on going to work, when suddenly your usually friendly neighbor tries to eat you. There’s no need to panic: Pull the tacky pink flamingo that’s in your yard out of the dirt and drive the spade end into your zombie-neighbor’s brain as hard as you can. This will give you a few moments to unlock your front door, because the first thing you need to do now is get inside and get your hands on some essential gear to help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

WEAPONS. Get yourself a weapon first: the baseball bat in the closet, a couple of knives from the kitchen, the fire poker sitting by the fireplace – all of these are better than a lawn ornament. A firearm is most desirable in this situation, as it requires the least amount of contact to terminate a zombie; however, if you don’t have one, grab your best knives and anything else that will slash, stab, dent or hack a zombie’s head off.

If you do have a gun (or two – one for each hand) then stuff as much ammo in your pockets as possible and cram the rest into a bag with your other knives and other weapons. Keep in mind any weapon that is gas or battery powered isn’t worth the hassle. Batteries can run out in the heat of a zombie mob, and you’ll need to conserve all the precious gasoline you can to get to a safe location.

LAYERS. As the number of infected people go up, so does your chance of being caught in the middle of a zombie posse, all of them moaning and snapping at you with their zombie mouths, wanting to bite and infect you, too. Put on as many protective layers over your arms and legs as you can. The more friction between your skin and a zombie bite, the less chance you have of becoming an aggressive cannibal like your neighbor.

Leather is ideal for preventing a zombie bite because it is lightweight, durable and flexible. If you have a leather jacket or a pair of leather pants, put them on over your clothes. Don’t fear being a fashion victim – the extra fabric may be all that stands between you and a craving for brains.

LIGHT. Light will be your lifesaver at some point. Whether the electrical system runs out and the city is plunged into a blackout or you have to search every dark nook and cranny before you can settle into a safe place to rest your head for a few hours, you’re going to need an LED flashlight. Keeping in mind that batteries eventually run out and it’s not like you can just hop in your car for a quick run to the store for a set of AAs , an LED flashlight with the longest run time possible is your best bet. Not only an LED flashlight it last much longer than an incandescent one, but it can usually take more of a beating, as well.

MEDICAL SUPPLIES. You can pretty much guarantee you’ll need medical supplies for yourself or someone else; if you’re not bitten buy a zombie there’s always the chance someone else will mistake you for one and shoot you, stab you or try to cut your head off. A length of rope wouldn’t hurt, and duct tape is going to come in handy sooner or later. Some sort of pocket-sized multi-tool would also be extremely beneficial; a multi-tool with must have functions such as a screwdriver, knife, file, pliers and scissors can provide endless utility during the Zombie Apocalypse.

SHELTER. Now that you’ve got the basic necessities, you need to get to a place where there is food, supplies, artillery support and maybe even some other non-zombie citizens you can band with. A department store or sporting goods store would be ideal; however, that means you’ll have to brave the zombie-infested city, and that, you can be sure, will be no easy feat. Just keep your bag of essential tools close, keep your finger on the trigger and your knives handy, and whatever you do, don’t let a zombie bite you.

[ photo by: Abode of Chaos ]

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One Response to “Essential Tools for the Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. Elijah Bre says:

    what about transportation. having a car with good mpg would be very useful.

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